So, another year and once again this farce carries forth - for everyone aged 4 and less to be deceived and have their hearts thoroughly crushed by a Coca-Cola guzzler (with a spotless beard - somehow) once they hit the 5 year mark...
NORAD continues in the awkward footsteps of CONAD (man, they really did well to change their acronym; a myriad multilinguals and I can think of a million puns to make with that ''CONAD'' thing...! It stood for ''Continental Air Defense Command'' somehow - don't ask how...! You may ask how and most especially and importantly why they are tracking down Ol' Kris Kringe since the late 50's at least... Is it because ol' man Santa is a Commie? Is it because he's a threat to our National Defense...? Pardon - North American Continental Defense - as it is the U.S.A. *and* Canada together in this thing and, until proven otherwise, these two are still two distinctive countries, or so they say... But we are digressing already... Why, why, why...? Well, if you ask me, I'd say don't bother why - since this is all hogwash anyways...! But let's play along just for the fun of it - for a little while longer here...)
So then - NORAD is following Santa Claus everywhere he goes - as they claim to do each and every year, of course. And the old man, his reindeers from hell and all those crappy toys in tow are supposed to be making the rounds all over the globe in the short span of 24 HOURS...
Some old man - some deers - some sleigh! You've heard of the old Supercar - well, this is Supersleigh - and it flies, perhaps at the speed of LIGHT. How... well, luminous, what else?
It was estimated (by someone with a lot of time to waste, evidently) that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - which is quite exactly 3,000 times the speed of sound - although NORAD cleverly concocted a pseudo-scientific answer to explain how Santa can be so fast: it is found in its FAQ section. In their own words: NORAD intelligence reports indicate that Santa does not experience time the way we do. His trip seems to take 24 hours to us, but to Santa it might last days, weeks or even months. Santa would not want to rush the important job of delivering presents to children and spreading joy to everyone, so the only logical conclusion is that Santa somehow functions within his own time-space continuum.
NORAD - why do thou wastes thy time like this?
(Oops - already forgot that ours is not to ask 'why'... ever! Mea Culpa...)
But frankly now... NORAD would be far better off tracking down those we really need to know the whereabouts of - so that we can be ready when we to fend them off... You know who I mean now... Not Santa, but Satan! And that dreadful Hamburglar... the Tooth-Fairy-Thief... the usurping Easter Bunny... And the Bogeyman. And Candyman. And the Chupacabra! And all the sickening, disgusting usual suspects...
Then again...
Santa might really be... Satan indeed. That wretched thing has been reputed to have 1001 disguises... His elves are nothing more than scrawny little runts of the devil-worshipping scum kind... Little witches in stitches! Burn the witches - burn them all! Reindeer have horns - they're horny little devils! There you go! And we all know what Jack Frost is all about, too... There you go: they have all been unmasked! Hurray for us - and hurray for NORAD! It has been doing its job all these years after all...!
Carry on, CONRAD...!
;)
NORAD continues in the awkward footsteps of CONAD (man, they really did well to change their acronym; a myriad multilinguals and I can think of a million puns to make with that ''CONAD'' thing...! It stood for ''Continental Air Defense Command'' somehow - don't ask how...! You may ask how and most especially and importantly why they are tracking down Ol' Kris Kringe since the late 50's at least... Is it because ol' man Santa is a Commie? Is it because he's a threat to our National Defense...? Pardon - North American Continental Defense - as it is the U.S.A. *and* Canada together in this thing and, until proven otherwise, these two are still two distinctive countries, or so they say... But we are digressing already... Why, why, why...? Well, if you ask me, I'd say don't bother why - since this is all hogwash anyways...! But let's play along just for the fun of it - for a little while longer here...)
So then - NORAD is following Santa Claus everywhere he goes - as they claim to do each and every year, of course. And the old man, his reindeers from hell and all those crappy toys in tow are supposed to be making the rounds all over the globe in the short span of 24 HOURS...
Some old man - some deers - some sleigh! You've heard of the old Supercar - well, this is Supersleigh - and it flies, perhaps at the speed of LIGHT. How... well, luminous, what else?
It was estimated (by someone with a lot of time to waste, evidently) that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - which is quite exactly 3,000 times the speed of sound - although NORAD cleverly concocted a pseudo-scientific answer to explain how Santa can be so fast: it is found in its FAQ section. In their own words: NORAD intelligence reports indicate that Santa does not experience time the way we do. His trip seems to take 24 hours to us, but to Santa it might last days, weeks or even months. Santa would not want to rush the important job of delivering presents to children and spreading joy to everyone, so the only logical conclusion is that Santa somehow functions within his own time-space continuum.
NORAD - why do thou wastes thy time like this?
(Oops - already forgot that ours is not to ask 'why'... ever! Mea Culpa...)
But frankly now... NORAD would be far better off tracking down those we really need to know the whereabouts of - so that we can be ready when we to fend them off... You know who I mean now... Not Santa, but Satan! And that dreadful Hamburglar... the Tooth-Fairy-Thief... the usurping Easter Bunny... And the Bogeyman. And Candyman. And the Chupacabra! And all the sickening, disgusting usual suspects...
Then again...
Santa might really be... Satan indeed. That wretched thing has been reputed to have 1001 disguises... His elves are nothing more than scrawny little runts of the devil-worshipping scum kind... Little witches in stitches! Burn the witches - burn them all! Reindeer have horns - they're horny little devils! There you go! And we all know what Jack Frost is all about, too... There you go: they have all been unmasked! Hurray for us - and hurray for NORAD! It has been doing its job all these years after all...!
Carry on, CONRAD...!
;)
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